My hometown of Redding, California has four seasons, but is known, quite notoriously, for its summer. For at least 90 days of the year it is not unusual for it to be well over 100 degrees. Everyone from there can recall certain summers where it hit 119 or 120.
Despite the heat, as a kid I mostly went barefoot during the summer. If I were stuck in a parking lot with searing asphalt between the front of Dude’s and a car or nearby sidewalk, I would jump from one white strip to the other of the parking lines to keep my feet from burning. Or other times I would just run as fast as I could and be mad at myself for forgetting to ride my bike or grab my tennis shoes.
I don’t remember anyone ever saying to me “Kimberly, make sure you wear shoes because it’s going to be hot outside.” By the time I was six or seven, they assumed I knew how to take care of those kinds of decisions for myself. Yes, the trope was true for me that I would be outside after breakfast and back for dinner. Many would say it was just a different time to be a parent and a kid.
The most important thing I was taught was never to complain. And while I still secretly see quiet tolerance for discomfort as a virtue, I realize that this paradigm or lens had for a long time held me back.
Parenting has changed dramatically from when I was a child, —even in the thirteen years between my kids. And many Gen-Xers, like myself, went into fight or flight to cope. No wonder so many people my age and younger are putting in the work to get out of alcoholism, over eating, drug addiction, chronic illness, anxiety, and emotionally vacant or abusive relationships.
We are much more aware not just about things like spanking kids (in public no less) is damaging and ineffective, but also on the scientific level how our bodies have coped with our own patchwork upbringings—no matter the intention or ostensible stability of your parents. Have you read Nicole LaPera’s book How to Do the Work, or at least followed her on Instagram (@the_holistic_psychologist) It’s like lasik surgery for the soul, body and mind. Do it!
Dr. Nicole LePera’s How to Do the Work
As a kid I was told religion would cure all of these types of things, so I tried really hard to be the good Christian girl and woman. While pastors would espouse God’s love, I was taught w equal fervor that everything bad that happened was a product of not praying or reading my Bible enough. Therefore, I lived under a cloud of self-loathing and doubt.
Eventually, I realized that many people in and outside of the church have the same issues. In churches I saw emotional abuse, infidelity, racism, stealing, sexual assault, addiction— you name it, it’s there. Regardless of religion, how we are raised makes an imprint on us that we either repeat, cope with, or learn to heal from and move forward.
My sister recently said to me that I have so much courage for moving my family to Costa Rica. I thought a lot about her comment because I don’t feel particularly courageous. But I was also trained that receiving compliments was a flaw—akin to boasting or vanity. Certainly, I didn’t feel a fear that I needed to overcome when we received our 60-day notice. Was it a lot to process? Of course. But what I did feel was clarity that we were supposed to come here and that the path to do so was lighting up in front of me so clearly so that I couldn’t look away.
A big part of my own growth and healing has been to observe the “heat” in a situation and choose my response without blaming anyone, ignoring my feelings, guilting myself or needing to prove my worth.
How has your upbringing/imprinting shaped how you respond to difficulty?