In my twenties and thirties, I often felt stuck or sort of like a professional pessimist. This mostly centered around relationships, publishing, and finances. “Assume the worst and hope for the best” was my motto. This negativity about the future or about my desires was internal. Yet, I never really thought much about the source of that pessimism or how my milquetoast hope showed up in my body. Despite my resilient exterior, much of my identity was grounded in being a victim. And up until the last five or so years, when challenging things would arise, I took on some real Sigourney Weaver Alien energy. Lots of battling to survive.
Since those decades of mental doom and gloom, my internal landscape has improved a great deal. There’s better flow between my physical body and my emotions. I don’t have outbreaks of cold sores, deep acne, or chronically pulled neck muscles. Even better, I feel confident in my ability to manage life’s “xenomorphs.”
But in the last month I’ve had a string of incredibly satisfying but unexpected things happen. I’ve been reflecting on what’s different now?
I had been wanting my mom to visit here in Costa Rica since we moved. It had been horribly smoky in the Redding area since early summer to the point where she felt trapped in her small apartment. It felt like the perfect time to have her come. She has only been to Canada and Mexico briefly decades ago and doesn’t get to travel often. She wanted to come, but didn’t want to fly alone, and she needed to renew her passport. Once we realized we were returning briefly to California to bring back Harrison to stay with his dad, I called her and said l”Let’s do it!” She got the passport application mailed off July 8. I booked tickets for her, without assuming anything one way or another. I didn’t rehearse negative scenarios. I just kept the thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice.” We were cutting it close, but I kept saying, if it is meant to be it will happen. On the 12th, the day before I drove up to visit her, I checked her passport status online, and it had been mailed. The notice said that it should arrive to my mom’s on the 16th, the day we were supposed to leave California. Not enough time to drive and pack, etc.
I arrived to the acrid air and permanently beige sky, and I got excited. “Maybe I can sweep her out of this depressing place,” I thought to myself. After lunch we were chatting in her living room and heard the letter carrier outside her door. When he left, Mom went outside and BAM! there was the passport! It arrived three days earlier than the government had anticipated. Needless to say we had a blast with two days in Sausalito at a breathtaking house a soul sister offered us. And then we relished about a week to show Mom all over our part of Costa Rica.
And just a few days later, another gem!
My nephew Nate and his love Darren, who I never had the privilege of meeting before, came for a visit to Cabuya. We were able to get to know each other and show them the beauties of the Nicoya Peninsula. We hiked, swam, snorkeled, kayaked, and feasted. And whew, they are just enjoyable people–a couple I would seek out as friends even if they weren’t family. Lazlo affectionately calls them “the cousins.”
And finally, we found a house to buy. Yes, you read that right. It is a long circuitous story for another time. But in just under two weeks, this will be our new abode. I made a list of all the things we wanted in a place, and just didn’t allow myself to worry or fret about it. We looked at rentals, but ugh, I’ve rented for 32 years and each of them weren’t quite right. Two weeks ago, Michael was riding his bike back from the grocery store, and the owner stopped him to ask if we were interested. YES! The house is literally next door to our current home. More land, less living space, but we are sooo excited. Everything on my list is here. Lazlo has already tried out the pool a few times, and he approves.
There are other gifts that are emerging, but I’m not ready or able to share them yet. However, I’m certain that these exciting events are symptoms of the improved flow I’ve been experiencing. I can point to my daily practice to calm my nervous system and open up my mind and spirit to deep acceptance.
This is not everyone’s jam, but for those who are curious, I currently do a combo of short meditation using Insight Timer 8-15 minutes, 15 minutes of basic yoga moves, 10 minutes of handstands (Shout out to Nate and Darren!!) and 20 minutes of swimming laps. A bajillion short ones in our pool. Because I have people and animals to care for, I wake up at 5am when no other humans are up. The quiet and the routine for me is like cheesecake or a strong gin and tonic. Better than that, actually, but I look forward to it with deep pleasure. It’s like I told my inner critic and doomsday ego to go take a vacation or go smoke some weed or something. I don’t need their services any longer. And, wow, I would love for everyone to feel this good and have a string of gifts come their way too.
The first step is to let Sigourney retire!